The Trials of Noah

Summer 2003 CSANews Issue 47  |  Posted date : Apr 20, 2007.Back to list

The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2003. Earth was wicked and over populated. The Lord instructed Noah to rebuild the Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.

"Here's the blueprint," said the Lord. "Hurry - in six months I start the rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later the rain came down.

The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard - and no Ark.

"Noah," He roared, "Where's my Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by starting to build the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We are appealing to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this."

"Getting wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!"

"I gathered the animals. But then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space."

"Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trade's union wants me to hire only union tradespeople with Ark building experience."

"To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally. They also charged me with attempting to export endangered species."

"So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the World?" he asked.

"No," said the Lord. "Your Government already has!"

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

  • Don't miss the boat.
  • Remember that we are all in the same boat.
  • Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
  • Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
  • Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
  • Build your future on high ground.
  • For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
  • Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
  • When you're stressed, float a while.
  • Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
    Submitted by Lillian "Benny" Ross